


here without you

by waveydnp



Series: waveydaysFICS [12]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Love, M/M, always all the love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-03-30 21:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13960152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waveydnp/pseuds/waveydnp
Summary: phil goes home for mother's day. dan doesn't.





	here without you

**Author's Note:**

> check out ashley's fic @iihappydaysii

“You can’t be-- you’re not serious?”

“Why?” Dan asks. He doesn’t even take his eyes off the screen. He’s been playing guild wars with Bryony for hours and he still can’t make eye contact with Phil for a single bloody second. “It was never the plan.”

“Yeah, I know but--”

“It’s too late to get a ticket anyway.”

“It’s not. We could definitely still get one.”

“Well I don’t want one.”

Phil knows Dan’s not trying to be hurtful. But it still hurts.

“Dan.”

“Phil.”

_ I’m worried about you.  _

_ You shouldn’t be alone right now.  _

_ You’ll fall apart even worse without me.  _

“Are you sure?”

Finally, finally, he looks up. “Yes, Phil. It’s fine. I’m not a child, I can be on my own for a couple of days. Fuck’s sake.”

Phil stiffens. “Fine.” He turns on his heels and walks out of the room. He’s learned over the years it won’t do any good to push. If Dan really wants to be an idiot, Phil has to let him.

 

It’s Dan who breaks the silence first, as they’re in the bathroom getting ready for bed. “I just want to be alone, Phil. It’s not a big deal.”

“Ok.” He’s being passive aggressive in a way he barely ever is. Truth be told he’s still just a little bit angry. Dan should know better than to push him away at a time like this, surely. Surely years of therapy had taught him the importance of talking about his fucking feelings and not treating his partner like shit. 

“I do.”

Phil spits his mouthful of lathered up toothpaste into the sink. “I said ok.”

“You don’t have to be a dick about it.”

Phil wipes his mouth on the bright white hand towel that hangs from the hook on the wall. He knows Dan hates that, hates the crusty blue-tinted spot it’ll leave once it’s dried. “I’m literally agreeing with you, Dan.”

“You’re being shitty about it.”

Phil sets his eyes right on Dan’s. “And you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

“Oh piss off.”

Phil turns his back on him, heading for the door. “Yeah. I will.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you want to be alone and so do I.”

“Where are you going?” There’s a hint of sadness there in Dan’s tone, but Phil’s angry enough that he can ignore it. At least for now. Probably he’ll kick himself for it later, but right now he can ignore it.

“Downstairs. I’m gonna sleep in my room.”

“ _ Your _ room?” Dan asks incredulously, like he doesn’t think Phil actually means it. 

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

 

Well, he was fucking right. He’s kicking himself now. 

This room feels so foreign. His sheets smell too clean and they’re not as soft as the ones in his  _ actual _ room. It’s too cold and too dark and he’s too alone. He doesn’t know how to sleep alone.

And knowing that Dan’s upstairs feeling the same if not worse makes his heart sink. This is not the time to be proud. This is really not the time to take a stand against Dan’s passive aggression. Phil shouldn’t be trying to match that, he should be trying to understand it. He should be supportive and understanding, not quick to take offense to what is so clearly a thinly veiled defense mechanism. 

He throws the stupid blue and green duvet off his legs. This isn’t where he wants to be. 

 

He opens the door slowly, on the off chance Dan had managed to fall asleep without him. 

He hadn’t. He turns around as soon as he hears the door creak. “Phil?”

“No it’s a ghost.”

“Fuck you.” His voice is weak and Phil can already tell he’s been crying.

Phil hurries into bed now, slipping under the covers and pulling Dan tight to his chest. Dan ducks his face into the crook of Phil’s shoulder. “Sorry.”

“Shut up.”

“Well I am.”

Phil shakes his head. “I am. Shouldn’t have pushed it.”

“I shouldn’t have pushed  _ you _ .”

“You didn’t.”

“Pushed you away I mean.” Dan squeezes around Phil’s middle. “All I want is you anyway, I don’t know why I ever act otherwise.”

Phil kisses his curly head and waits. He doesn’t know if Dan is actually ready to talk yet or not. 

He waits until he’s sure Dan’s not going to be the next one to say something. But they only have one more day together, and he doesn’t want to leave things like this, with so much left unspoken between them. 

“Are you angry with me?”

Dan says, “No,” automatically, clearly without thinking about it at all.

“Dan,” Phil says gently. “I’m not gonna be upset, I promise. I want to talk.” He runs his hand up and down Dan’s back, overtop of that black hooded jumper he’s been living in all week. “You’re angry.”

“Not with you.”

“I made you film with me.”

“Yeah.”

“You weren’t ready.”

“It was fine, Phil. The gaming was kind of fun. And it was a good idea.”

Phil takes his glasses off then and puts them on the nightstand. “Who are you angry with?”

Dan sighs. “Myself, mostly, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Phil breathes. “That’s why I don’t want you to be alone.”

“It’s only a couple days.” Dan’s argument is weak. As if a few days hasn’t been enough for him to fall apart before. 

“Why don’t you want to come though? Seriously.”

Dan sighs again. Not angrily, not in exasperation, just a long tired exhalation against Phil’s neck. “I just don’t have the energy.”

“You wouldn’t have to do anything,” Phil says quietly. “You could opt out of anything you didn’t want to do.”

Dan pulls his head back, looks into Phil’s eyes. He’s quiet for a long time. “You know that’s not what I mean.”

Phil nods. They’ve had this conversation a fair few times over the years. Dan loves the Lesters. He admires the way they prioritize each other, the way they stay close knit despite the time and the distance. He likes the family game nights and the group hikes out on the cliffs that overlook the ocean. He loves Kath. He loves her sense of humour and her cooking and her comically northern accent. 

But he’s a true introvert, and he comes from something so different from Phil that sometimes it’s just a little too overwhelming. 

It takes a little extra to do that, to deal with the type of family you always wanted and never had, and Dan doesn’t have any extra right now. He doesn’t even have enough for himself.

“Ok,” Phil says, though it hurts him to concede. He can’t help it, he’s a worrier, just like his mum.

“It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. It’s good to be alone sometimes.”

_ Not for you. Not without me. _

“Yeah, I suppose.”

 

They make the most of their last day together. Phil’s not even sure it’s what Dan really wants, to be showered in kisses and cuddles all day, taking a bubble together and indulging in all those things Dan said bring him happiness in the present, but Phil doesn’t care. He exists too. His needs matter too, even if Dan’s are louder sometimes. 

He wants to ply Dan with takeaway burgers and milkshakes and watch trash tv and have lazy sleepy sex on the sofa in the middle of the day. He wants everything to feel normal today. Tomorrow they’ll be apart and he’ll be agonizing over just how lonely they’re both going to be. 

He’d given up long ago on the hope that they’d ever outgrow this ridiculous need to be near each other at all times. It doesn’t feel right for them to spend more than a day apart, but especially when Dan is in the hole. 

 

“You know, I could stay.” His words are a whisper, breathed out cautiously, as gentle as he can possibly manage. It’s late and they’re in bed, and Phil just can’t help himself. Time is running out to convince Dan he shouldn’t be alone with his sadness right now. “They’d understand.”

“I don’t want them to understand. I don’t want them to know.”

“You know they’ll ask why you’re here and not there.”

“Just tell them I have my own mum to visit. That was always the plan anyway.”

“Are you going to do that, though?”

Dan rolls over, his back to Phil. “No.”

“I hate lying to them.”

“Yeah well, it’s not their business, Phil. It has nothing to do with them.”

Phil sighs and rubs Dan’s back. He wants to hold him but he thinks he’s pushed enough for one day. “You’re right. I’m sorry babe.”

Dan doesn’t say anything, but he shuffles back until he’s pressed up against Phil’s chest, a silent acknowledgment of Phil’s apology and a gentle acceptance of Phil’s need to touch him in moments like this. Phil kisses the back of his head and wraps his arm around his waist and takes much longer to fall asleep than he normally would. 

 

“Call me when you get in.” Dan clings to the waist of Phil’s coat, as if the reality of the situation is only just now occurring to him. “Or just text I guess.”

“I’ll call.” He tips Dan’s chin up and kisses his mouth. “Don’t forget to eat.”

Dan kisses him again and nods.

“And drink.”

“I won’t forget.”

Phil pulls him in closer, digging his chin into Dan’s shoulder. “I have to go.”

Dan just nods.

“I miss you already,” Phil whispers.

Dan’s voice cracks when he whispers back, “You too.”

 

He lies to his mum.

“Where’s Dan?”

“He has his own mum, you know.” He says it with a laugh though guilt twinges in his chest. “He loves you and all but he does have a family of his own.”

Kath accepts the lie. Maybe Phil’s getting better at it.

 

With Martyn it’s harder.

“How bad is it?”

Martyn actually watches the videos. Martyn actually has a finger on the pulse of what goes on between Phil and Dan and their audience. 

“It’s… it’s pretty bad.”

“Is he alright?”

Phil’s going to break through the skin soon if he keeps biting at his lip like this. “He will be. Eventually.”

“Did he actually go home?”

Phil shakes his head.

“He’s alone? Is that wise?”

Phil scrubs a hand over his jaw, fingers prickling against the two day old stubble there. “I tried. I bloody tried, but he’s… you know. He’s not on the meds anymore. When he falls he falls hard. He said he wants to be alone.”

“Is it  _ that _ bad?”

“No. He’s— he’ll be fine. It just— the video and stuff, and the liveshow… it made it worse. And he doesn’t like people seeing him like that. He doesn’t even want anyone to know, so you better not—”

“I won’t. It just— it sounds bad.”

Phil shakes his head, almost as much to assure himself as his brother. “It’s a hard time of year for him. This shit made it a lot more complicated but it’s alright. He has therapy next week and I’m only here a couple days.”

“Has he thought of maybe…” Martyn trails off, looking suddenly unsure.

“What?”

“It’s not really my place. I just worry about him. And you. My big brother complex or something.”

“It’s fine, just say it. None of this can ever get back to him anyway, so whatever.”

“Just— the meds. Has he thought of maybe going back on them? It seemed like they were really working for him.”

Phil shrugs. He can’t pretend he hasn’t asked himself this question a hundred times since Dan finally got off them, but he’s been to enough couples therapy sessions to know it’s not right for him to pretend to understand what Dan’s feeling. He can support and listen and empathize, but he can’t  _ know _ and thus can’t presume to try to micromanage the rules of Dan’s recovery. 

“He said they made him kind of numb, and he got tired of it. He says he prefers to feel it than for everything else to be flattened.” 

It feels wrong to be saying this. But sometimes  _ he _ needs to talk about his feelings too, and he trusts his brother to keep it to himself. 

“Also, you know last year, when he forgot to renew his prescription?”

Martyn nods.

“It was  _ really _ bad. Like… yeah. Fuck it was bad. He said he’d rather have bad days than risk going through that ever again.”

“But he’s still doing the therapy?”

Phil nods. “I don’t think he’ll ever stop that.”

“That’s good then.”

“Yeah.”

Martyn reaches out then, and puts a hand on Phil’s arm. “How are  _ you _ ?”

Phil smiles automatically, his lips itching to assure he’s fine. Instead he shrugs, because he doesn’t think he could possibly articulate how worried and guilty and  _ tired _ he feels, but he knows Martyn won’t let him brush it off completely. “Not great.”

Martyn slides his arm around Phil’s shoulders and squeezes. “He’s lucky to have you. You’re doing good, yeah? You’re both going to be ok.”

Phil laughs over the lump in this throat. “Yeah. Thanks.”

 

“Guess what?”

“What?” Phil’s laid out across his bed, phone to his ear and munching a giant cookie he’d knicked from the tray Kath had just pulled from the oven.

“I tweeted.”

“You did? When?”

“Like right after you did.”

“I didn’t notice,” Phil says, that all too familiar guilt curling in his gut. “Sorry.”

“Shut up. You’re busy. It was a dumb one anyway, one I’ve had saved for ages.”

Phil puts his half eaten cookie down right on the bed, the sugar suddenly making him feel ill. Maybe he’s not quite as recovered from that insane bout of food poisoning as he thought. Or maybe he just misses Dan that much. 

“I’m proud of you.”

There’s a pause, silence on the other end of the line before Dan says quietly, “Thanks.”

“How are you?”

Another pause. “I’m… sad.”

Phil’s heart stutters. It’s the simplest answer Dan could have given, and yet the one that probably destroys Phil the most thoroughly. “I know,” he says gently. “I’m sorry love.”

Dan chuckles. “You sound like her already and you’ve only been there what? Couple hours?”

“Shut up, rat.”

“I love you.”

Oh. Phil hadn’t been expecting that.

“I love you too.”

“I’m sorry I’ve been the worst.”

“Don’t. Don’t do that.”

Dan sighs. “Well I am.”

“I know.”

“I really do miss you.”

“I miss you too,” Phil chokes. “Come with me next time.”

“I’ll try. I was thinking… I was thinking maybe I actually will go home tomorrow.”

“Really?” Phil tries not to let his tone betray the relief and elation he feels at Dan’s words.

“Yeah. Might be good.”

Phil nods as if Dan can see him. “It’d be good. Your mum will be so pleased.”

“Yeah. Plus I could use a Colin cuddle.”

“No fair, I want one.” 

Dan giggles. Phil can’t believe it. Dan is  _ actually _ giggling right now. 

“After the tour,” Dan says. “We’ll get a Colin of our own.”

“A Thor you mean.”

“I’m hanging up now,” Dan threatens. 

“Are you actually?”

“Yes. I’m going to rewatch Queer Eye and cry.”

“Dan…”

“It’s fine. It’s good. I  _ want _ to cry. It feels better. Don’t worry so much.”

“You know I don’t know how to do that.” 

“I know. I’m sorry I give you so much to worry about all the time.”

Phil ignores him. “Can I call you later?”

“You better, mister.”

**Author's Note:**

> @waveydnp on tumblr


End file.
